Paperwork to Love
by soupcan
Summary: When Hawkeye catches Roy burning paperwork again, she forces him to move in with Ed. Unfortunately for Ed, Roy has a crush on him, though Ed doesn't know, and the apartment only has one bed. All in all, it's just another headache for both of them. RoyEd.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This story doesn't really fit anywhere into the timeline for FMA. It's RoyEd, so don't complain. I warned you. Also, a few things you may want to know:

-Al has his body back, but Ed still has automail.

-Roy is still a Colonel, because "Colonel Bastard" sounds better than "General Bastard."

-Ed is seventeen, Roy is twenty-six. That's to keep me from feeling like a pedophile.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA, or I wouldn't be writing _fan_fiction. I would think that's obvious.

* * *

My name is Colonel Roy Mustang, and this is a true story. This is a story of perhaps the most traumatic event in my life, even including the war. And it all began with a pile of paperwork.

_Snap!_

The pile of paperwork on my desk burst into flame. I smirked at the merrily burning paperwork, then looked up only to find a gun pointed at me.

"Colonel Mustang, sir. You do realize that the papers for my pay raise were in that pile?" asked the lady pointing the gun at me. "I am afraid that your house has suddenly developed a severe infestation of termites and you must move in with Elric."

"Riza!" I began protesting. "You don't-"

_Bang!_

I looked up from my position on the floor to see a bullet hole where my head had been just a moment ago.

"You _are_ moving in with Elric, sir. Today," she stated calmly.

"Right." Briefly, I wondered why I allowed my subordinate to order me around, then I remembered. She had a gun, and she was good with it. "I'll collect my belongings as soon as I get off from work."

"Thank you, sir." She calmly put away her gun. "I do believe that you have taken care of the paperwork, sir, so you should probably go collect your belongings now. I will drive you to Fullmetal's apartment after work."

My response? I ran.

* * *

The car Riza had been _kind_ enough to drive for me pulled up to a dingy, ill-kept apartment complex. As the sound of the engine died, I asked myself, for the fifteenth time, why Riza was forcing me to live with Edward. I always burnt paperwork, and she had never seen fit to punish me before. 

I had grabbed the essentials from my house and run back to ensure that Riza did not have to wait, thinking that I would be treated to a gun and a polite lecture on punctuality. Still, looking at the dreary apartment complex, I wondered if the gun would have been a better option.

Riza accompanied me to the door of Edward's apartment, even knocking when I was reluctant to do so. A messy blonde head appeared briefly, then disappeared again when the owner saw who his visitors were.

Riza sighed, then pulled out her gun and shot. We heard a yelp from inside, then heard cussing for the next minute and a half before Ed sullenly opened the door.

The apartment was a wreck. Clothes were scattered all over the floor, and there were dishes lying in the few places there weren't clothes. Frankly, it scared me to think that I would, for the next month or so, be living in this _dump_.

"Riza, please," I began. I couldn't live in this. It would kill me! I was panicking, so I settled for the best solution. I began begging my stern Lieutenant to let me live. That's right. Begging. "I'm sorry about the paperwork! I'll give you a larger raise! I'll do anything! Please don't make me live here!"

"Wait, Riza. What is this idiot babbling about?" asked Ed. He looked so confused. It was funny, or it is now as I look back on it. At the time, I was too busy trying to prevent myself from having a heart attack to notice.

"Fullmetal, an infestation of termites has been discovered in the Colonel's house. He needs a place to stay, and I told him that you would be happy to accommodate him now that your brother had moved to Risembool."

"Are you crazy?" he retorted. "Me, letting Colonel Bastard live _here_? I'd rather-"

Precisely _what_ he would have preferred was cut off by another gunshot. Ed was looking quite pale at that point in time, and he quickly grabbed my bag and pulled me in, shouting that he'd see the Lieutenant later. Once the door was shut, he glared at me, hands on his hips.

"Here are a few rules. We have to share a bed, seeing as there's only one bed and no sofa, but you are _not_ to try any of your little perverted tricks on me. Got that? Also, seeing as it's now weekend, you will stay out of my way and will not touch any of the books I am using for research. You will not bring any girlfriends, or boyfriends for that matter, home with you. If you are going somewhere, then you will tell me when you are going to be back so I don't have the Lieutenant shooting at me when you don't show up and I didn't call a search. Any other questions?" Ed asked. God, he's so bossy. Wait, I'm an alchemist. That means I'm atheistic. Damn.

Now, you may be wondering precisely why this was so traumatizing. As Riza had mentioned, Alphonse had moved to Risembool to stay with Winry now that he had his body back. Ed stayed, for some unknown reason, though rumor at the time said that Al and Winry had been rather… clingy while they had been in Central. Ed, I guess, had finally gotten tired of hearing the moans every night, and decided to stay. This meant that we were in the apartment together. Just us.

Of course, nobody knew that I had a crush on him. Yes, the great Flame Alchemist is gay. Get over it.

As Ed was standing there berating me, I had difficulty preventing myself from drooling. He wasn't wearing his usual outfit- he still had the tight leather pants, but instead of the usual shirt and two jackets, he was simply wearing a tank top. He was _hot_. Especially with the faint blush on his cheeks.

He grabbed my arm, and I realized that I had been spacing out. I quickly covered this up by grabbing my bag and moving into the bedroom with it. Sadly, though I still don't know how this was possible, the bedroom was messier than the rest of the house. It had the same number of dirty outfits and dishes as the other rooms, but there were books lying on the floor as well.

"Too messy, Colonel Bastard?" asked Ed smugly. If I didn't know better, I would have said he was smirking. "I didn't exactly realize that you were coming over, or I might have hired someone to clean."

I groaned before replying. "Fullmetal, do you have a bathroom somewhere in this _lovely_ establishment?"

"That way," he said while gesturing vaguely to the left.

After relieving myself, I came back into the bedroom to find Ed. He was lying on the bed, reading. Out of curiosity, I sat down beside him and glanced at the title of the book. It was called _Theorems of Alchemy: Why the Gate Exists_. I took the book from him, much to his displeasure, and took a brief look inside. Of course, I couldn't understand a single word of it. I swear, the kid is some sort of genius.

Nonetheless, he is a very ill-tempered genius. When I took the book from him, he clapped his hands and pushed them to the ground, causing hands to form and hold me in place. What could I do but retaliate? I snapped, and the entire room turned orange for a moment.

Small bits of dust were falling from the ceiling. The people next door were screaming. There was a flash of bright blue light as Ed destroyed the hands he had created, releasing me.

"You idiot!" he practically screamed. "There are people other than us living in this apartment complex, you know! We're going to get in trouble if we demolish the building for no reason!"

I smirked; the opening was too much to resist. "That hasn't stopped you in the past, Fullmetal."

He looked like he was going to explode. "That hospital collapsing was _not _my fault! Neither was the building in Xenotime! In fact, practically none of those incidents were my fault! Okay, I played a little part in the explosion of the mine shafts, but it was for a good reason!"

Again, I smirked. Ed really needed to work on his arguments; it was _so_ easy to tease him. "A little part?"

Ed gasped when he realized what he had said, then curled up on the floor in a fit of depression. Suddenly, he stood up and screamed. "Who are you calling so small that he could escape the wrath of a hydrogen molecule because he's so small that he can't even be detected by a quark?!"

I laughed, then stopped immediately when Ed clapped his hands together, this time causing the pipes in the walls to break and spray me with enough water to knock me off my feet. He laughed maniacally, then transmuted the floor into a fist. I dodged, thankfully, but the amount of force from the fist hitting the ceiling was enough to shake the entire building. The screams of the family living above us were enough to return him to his senses, and he immediately clapped his hands and repaired the room.

The silence that followed was awkward. I stared at my wet clothes and Ed stared at the floor, until he finally decided that the silence was too much.

"I'll get you a towel. You might want to change."

I changed into my pajamas, seeing as it was nearly midnight. When Ed came back in, he started laughing. I looked at him quizzically, then realized that I was wearing the pink pajamas with teddy bears on them. The only reason I kept those was because Hughes gave them to me before he died. Still, I suppose I can't blame Ed for laughing.

I grabbed the towel from Ed, then began drying myself off. I had to pause in fascination, though, as Ed began undressing for bed. When he was done, I was rather embarrassed. He was only wearing his boxers, for goodness' sake! He looked rather good in them, though.

I also watched in fascination as Ed began attempting to unbraid his hair. His automail hand was caught in it, though, so I gently untangled it for him, enjoying the feeling I got from his smooth locks of hair running through my fingers.

"Thanks," he said gruffly.

After I finished gazing at his well-toned chest, I noticed the multitude of scars surrounding the automail, as well as the other various scars he had picked up on his missions.

"I had no idea," I said stupidly. "I had no idea that getting automail was such a painful procedure…"

"It was worth it, though," replied Ed quietly. "Now I can live my life."

We both fell into bed, then. I was perfectly happy, even dreaming of holding Ed close. Then morning came, and I was awakened by a furious slap to my face.

"I told you not to try any of your little perverted tricks on me!" yelled Ed. I saw, across his stomach, a slightly red patch of skin where I had been holding him. I paled, and in that moment, I ignored the principal of atheism and prayed to every god I could think of.

* * *

**A/N:** So... You like? I need to know whether or not I should continue this. However, I refuse to _beg_ for reviews. I would appreciate them, though.  



	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **I am _so_ sorry for not updating!! I blame a lack of inspiration, a busy lifestyle, two other fics that I'm working on, and... umm... Oh, yes. The fact that the first chapter of this was an extremely spur-of-the-moment kind of thing.

Okay, I 'm not sure how happy I am with this chapter, but I hope you like it anyway.

* * *

I was terrified. _Kami-sama…_ What else could go wrong? I had been kicked out of my house, Riza was going to kill me, I was living in a dump, and now I was about to be killed by a shrimp! (Or so I thought.) I said the only thing I could think of.

"What, did you like it?"

How stupid could I get?

Ed's face must have turned every shade of red ever invented, and then some. "Bastard!" he screamed, transmuting his automail into a sword.

Then, my mouth moving of its own accord, I somehow landed in even deeper shit. "I notice that you didn't answer the question, Fullmetal."

If I had thought he was mad before, I was wrong. Practically frothing at the mouth, he tried to kill me with that horrendous blade on his automail. I ran around the room, trying to escape. On my flight to freedom, I broke a lamp, tripped on eight different piles of dirty laundry, and knocked over nearly twenty piles of books. Finally, I had the sense to run out the door and hold it shut.

"Talk about near misses," I said to nobody in particular. Then I noticed a distinct breeze. I looked down at myself and saw that all my clothes had fallen off, slashed to pieces.

At that point I tried to open the door, only to realize that Ed had locked me out.

"Edward Elric, open this door! I am your commanding officer, and I order you to open this door!"

"Make me," said a smug voice from inside.

I was desperate. There were voices around a corner in the hallway. So I resorted to pleading, the same way I usually do with Riza. "Please, Ed! Spare me! I'll do anything!"

A blonde head appeared in the doorway. "_Anything_?"

The voices were getting closer. "Yes, anything! Just let me in!"

"After your humiliation, perhaps." The door closed.

A group of little old women rounded the corner. Two of them ran away screaming, while the other nine or so stood and stared. I could almost feel their eyes roaming up and down my body. One stepped forward.

"Hey, honey."

This was _not_ happening. I was _not_ being hit on by and old woman. Okay, fine, I was.

"Look, I'm just trying to get my _boyfriend_ to let me back into the apartment. Unless you can help with that, could you spare my dignity and move along?"

Ed opened the door. "I am _not_ your boyfriend! Bastard!"

The little old lady stared. "I know you! You're the Fullmetal Alchemist!" She turned to me. "That must mean that you're the Flame Alchemist! I've heard about you two! I'm sorry about your relationship troubles… On the other hand, those troubles make every eligible woman happy again, so carry on!"

She walked away with her friends.

"Bastard, tell me that she didn't say _relationship troubles_."

"I wish I could." Riza was punishing me more, I was sure of it. Who else would spread such awful rumors? At the time, I didn't think of Havoc or anybody else… I knew it was Riza. I was right, of course, but that doesn't mean that none of my other subordinates would be capable of this- they've done almost as bad on occasion.

We stood there for a minute. "Umm… Ed? Are you going to let me in sometime today? I think I've been humiliated enough."

He snapped his head up; it seemed that he had been lost in thought. Honestly, though, when _isn't_ he?

"Sure, bastard, come on in."

I stepped over the pile of my ruined pajamas, which had been hanging around my ankles, and entered. "You know what, Fullmetal?"

"No." And he sounded _so_ interested. Not.

"Hughes gave me those pajamas."

His face went somber, then brightened. "Figures. Hey, want something to forget the rumors?"

I have to admit, I was curious. He pulled out a bottle of brandy from under a counter somewhere. I was rather surprised.

"You drink? But you're just a kid!"

Oops. That came out wrong.

He scowled at me. "I'm seventeen, bastard! Besides, I'm in the military, and they have some _great_ military-only bars around here."

Finally something I understood! "Yeah, they do. They also have some great gay bars."

I didn't mean to say that, I really didn't. But Ed had been drinking rather heavily from the bottle for a minute, so I don't think he really knew what he said next.

"Are you kidding! The gay bars here are the best in all of Amestris!"

Talk about a shocker. I never would have thought that my subordinate was gay. "You, too?"

"Yeah. Winry smacking me over the head with a wrench every time I went to see her put me off girls a bit."

That was certainly understandable. I had seen the bruises every time he came back from having his automail repaired.

"Hey, can I have some of that brandy, or are you going to drink all of it?"

Thankfully, he chose to give me some. Burned paperwork, a bit of brandy… Both necessary for our relationship to have begun. Kind of pitiful, isn't it?

A few hours (and bottles) later, we were both hopelessly drunk. We both sat on the bed, giggling like schoolgirls and playing strip poker. Of course, I had to get dressed before we could play, so I had tried on some of Ed's clothes. I could _barely_ squeeze into them, but it was manageable. Though I would never go out in public dressed like that.

Anyway, Ed lost the game. Somehow we both fell off the bed, on the same side, and I landed on top of him. His body felt good under mine… Until some half-buried shred of modesty rose from beneath the haze of alcohol, and we both scurried away.

Pity… He sure was cute.

We went to bed early that night, still drunk.

* * *

The next morning, I woke with my arm curled around Ed again. This time, when he woke (_Finally_! He could sleep through a hurricane!), he didn't protest. He simply pulled my arm off and started on breakfast.

I had thought that Ed wouldn't be able to cook. Everything we had eaten that far had been takeout. I was wrong.

He cooked a wonderful omelet, I decided.

We were called in to work that day. (Havoc, on the phone, had said something about mountains of paperwork and a very annoyed gun-toting Lieutenant.)

When we arrived, we were stared at like we were rabid. Even little Fuery decided that we needed to be stared at.

Until I roasted a few people, that is.

"Do you hear the whispers?" asked Ed.

I listened for a moment. "Yeah, but I can't figure out what they're saying."

"They're saying that our 'relationship problems' seem to have been resolved, bastard. They're saying that we're a couple."

Joy. Wasn't _that_ just what I needed?

Later, Ed and I were in my office, signing paperwork. Havoc walked in and leaned his head down to where Ed was working.

"So," he said. "How was he?"

Ed looked up, shocked, his head hitting Havoc in the chin. Havoc fell over, which spared him from death by fire. Barely. I only missed by an inch or so.

"What do you mean, how was he?" screamed Ed.

Of course, the entire office had to stop working and watch this.

"I mean, how was he in bed? Of course," said Havoc, sitting up.

And Ed thought _I_ was annoying?

The next thing I knew, Havoc was on the ground again, unconscious, with Ed's automail footprint on his head.

"So, Fullmetal," I said in a flat voice. "I think he has a concussion. Perhaps we need to take him to the infirmary."

"I can take care of it myself, bastard. Don't you have some paperwork to finish?" He propped his hands on his hips.

"What, and you don't?" Now that I think about it, Ed seems to bring out the five-year-old in me.

"Just finished." He waved at me, then dragged Havoc off by his feet.

I looked at his paperwork. Every single piece had been finished. Apparently, he had been working rather quickly. I still had half of my pile left! Maybe that was because I had been staring at Ed instead of working… No, that couldn't be it! (Although I _was_ staring…)

Finally, we got off work, ignoring the continued whispers behind us. When we got back to the apartment, though, the phone started ringing.

I answered it.

"Is this Mr. Mustang?" asked a crying girl.

"Yes, Miss…?"

"Aubrey Fritz, sir. Is it true that you have gotten back together with that Fullmetal kid? Please, forget him! Come to me-" I slammed down the phone.

It immediately started ringing again. Fool that I was, I answered it.

"Mustang?"

"Yes, Miss…?"

"You asshole! How could you take my Eddie-kun away from me? Die-"

I slammed down the phone again. And, of course, it started ringing again.

_If it's another call like that, this phone is _dead!

I answered it.

"Hello, Mr. Mustang. This is the Common People Should Know that Being Gay is a Sin group, or CPSKBGS for short, and-"

I screamed.

A moment later, the phone was nothing more than a melted lump of goo.

* * *

**A/N:** A little random, I know, but I hope you still liked it. Please review and let me know how it was. Feel free to give constructive criticism. 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **I am /so/ sorry this is late. I was busy for a while... And then I forgot the story existed. Yes, I know that was stupid.

* * *

I had been living with Ed for three days, and I was tired of it. I had been gawked at during work, publicly humiliated, and it was just so damned_ awkward_ to be living with the short blonde. Especially since I had discovered said blonde was gay.

If anything, knowing that only urged my body on more. I couldn't stop noticing his golden hair, or the way those leather pants of his clung to his finely sculpted…

Okay. Enough with that train of thought. Suffice to say, I was about ready to jump him.

Anyway, there was only one thing a proud (and wonderful) military man like myself could do in this situation, and that was beg for mercy. Again.

I bought flowers and the latest gun manual before heading to Riza's house to plead for my sanity. To my surprise, she answered the door in a coat and some black, lacy _thing_. She didn't even _begin_ to qualify as fully dressed.

I couldn't help myself. "Am I interrupting something?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I could have sworn I heard a distinctly masculine "yes" coming from the bedroom.

"What is it, sir?" she asked me, completely avoiding the question.

I handed her the flowers and manual, then fell on my knees. "Riza, I sincerely apologize for everything I've made you put up with for all these years. Please see fit to forgive me; I have seen the error of my ways." How's _that_ for an apology?

Her expression remained unchanged, which was odd. Normally, ladies would have thrown themselves at me by that point. "I'm sure you have, sir."

So far, so good. She wasn't shooting at me yet. "I was wondering if, perhaps, the termites have been exterminated yet."

"No." Ouch.

"Please, Riza! I'm sorry! I-"

I was interrupted by poorly muffled laughter coming from the direction of the bedroom. I had been right; there was someone in there. My brain, working abnormally slowly, finally put two and two together. Lacy, skimpy clothes plus man in the bedroom equals…

Oh. So I _had_ been interrupting something.

"Mustang, you're begging? I thought you could control the ladies, man."

_That voice… I know who it is._

"Havoc?" I asked.

Riza sighed and let the door swing open a bit. Havoc was laying on the bed, his lower half covered by blankets, but otherwise bare. At that point, I began wondering why I never put the moves on Havoc; he was actually quite good-looking.

"I got the girl this time, Roy. I won when it counted!" He looked absolutely delighted.

"Jean, aren't you forgetting something?" Riza asked.

He thought for a moment, the strain showing on his face. "No." Now I remembered why I never made a move on him: I didn't have enough control over him to make him think. Apparently Riza did, though, or she wouldn't bother with him.

She pulled out a gun (from who-knows-where; there wasn't a lot of space to hide a gun in her clothes) and pointed it at him. "He's gay, Jean, remember?"

Jean's face contorted in agony. "You mean… I still haven't won?" He fumbled for a cigarette.

I laughed, at least until the gun was pointed at _me_.

"I suggest you leave, sir," she said calmly.

I nodded and stood back on my feet, while Riza closed the door. I stared off into space for a while, until I was brought back to reality by "banging" noises, if you catch my drift.

Needless to say, I left as quickly as possible.

* * *

When I got back to Ed's apartment, the blonde was laying on his sofa, reading another of those alchemy texts that I couldn't understand.

Strange child. When I was his age, I was chasing girls. And a little after that, I started chasing men, and I haven't stopped since.

"Hey," he called, not looking up until I sat next to him on the sofa.

"You want to go out?" I asked. Then I winced. Perhaps that wasn't the best way to phrase it. "Not like that. Unless you want to go out like that." Okay, still not good. "Not that I'm interested." Even worse.

He raised an eyebrow. The brat was picking up some of my habits…

"Let me try this again. Would you like to go to a bar?"

"Is this some sort of skewed joke about my height?" he asked, voice menacing.

"No, of course not, Fullmetal. If your attention span wasn't so short, perhaps you would know that." Perhaps not my best comeback, but after several years of continuous short jokes, you tend to run out of good material.

"Who are you calling so small that he could drown in a raindrop?" screamed Ed.

I rolled my eyes. "You. The offer still stands, you know."

"Sure, then," he replied, grabbing his coat and then dragging me out the door.

I led him to a bar called _Heaven_, one of my personal favorites.

The look on Ed's face when we walked in was priceless. The sight of so many men in skimpy outfits, _with his commanding officer next to him_, must have been slightly traumatizing.

Oh, did I forget to mention that _Heaven_ was a gay bar?

By the time I stopped laughing to myself, Ed had already gotten us drinks, and his was half gone. I had never pictured the shrimp being such an alcoholic…

An hour had passed. Ed was on his seventh drink, while I had settled for something of my own making: Gock. (Half milk, half soda.)

"So Al and Winry hooked up, and I gave them my dressings-" he was saying.

"Blessings?" I interrupted. Ed was beyond drunk at this point, and not making much sense.

"Those, too. And I moved Central. Why did you start giving me?"

Not sure what he meant, so I just interpreted it my own way. "Living with you? Because Riza was mad at me."

Ed laughed drunkenly. "Just can't stay out of trouble with her, can you?" He slumped forward, but a muscled arm restrained him.

"Edward!" cried Armstrong happily. "You look exhausted! Fall into my muscular arms!"

I was about to bit the man's head off. Ed was _mine_. Unfortunately (for me), or fortunately (for him), Armstrong was restrained before I could strangle him.

"Alex, honey," said Fuery. "Leave Ed with his date."

I gaped. I know I'm stating the obvious, but the thought of Alex and Kain together made my stomach uneasy. (It still does, as a matter of fact.) Then, of course, I had to start wondering how they overcame their size differences in bed. Honestly, Alex has to be at _least_ seven feet tall, while Kain is barely taller than Ed!

Of course, thinking along those lines led to some very, _very_ nasty mental images. God, it was terrifying. Wait, I'm still atheistic. Maybe I should take up a religion simply for the sake of swearing…

Then again, after I nearly burned the church down, I seriously doubt they'd welcome me to their ranks.

Anyway, Armstrong and Fuery left, holding hands. (I am never going to recover from those images, by the way.) I was left alone with my Gock and an unconscious blonde who wouldn't have woken for the end of the world.

Well, back to the apartment. Of course, it took a while, since I had to carry Ed.

I just hope he never figures out that I carried him bridal style.

* * *

**A/N: **I am sooo sorry it's so short! Anyway, I'll try to have the next one up sooner.  
Gock is not my idea. It belongs to my former chem teacher. Also, the bar Heaven apparently does exist. (Read the A/Ns in the story Heaven in your Arms, and you'll see.)  
**PLEASE REVIEW. **


	4. Chapter 4

Karasu

**A/N:** Sorry for the long wait and for the short chapter. I do have an excuse, however! I've been extremely busy, so busy that I forgot about this story. (Yes, I know I've done that twice now…) Anyway, I'll try to get the next one up sooner.

Much love to everyone who reviewed!!

--

The next day began routinely. Ed and I ignored whatever happened the last night on the drinking binge (well, sort of). He complained of a hangover, and I told him that he must not be man enough to handle the alcohol. The resulting explosion kept the neighbors from speaking to us for weeks.

At work, matters only worsened. As soon as I got into my office, I noticed a large pile of paperwork on my desk.

While I am sure you know of my aversion to paperwork, I doubt that you truly understand its deep and loathsome nature. It has been the cause of every disastrous event that occurred during my lifetime.

Take, for example, the war with Ishbal. The Fuhrer issued the orders, insane though they were, and they were relayed on paper.

Do you not see how horrible that _thing_ is now?!

So you can understand my displeasure with finding a large pile of it in my office. What did I do to remedy the situation, you ask? I obviously couldn't burn it, since Riza would kill me, so I ignored it.

Ed is reading over my shoulder as I write this, telling me how immature I am. I stick my tongue out at him. I'm not immature in the least!

Anyway, I cleaned the windows. Granted, I had cleaned them yesterday, but they can never be too clean, right? Besides, I have won the award for the cleanest office every single year it's been held. The bonuses add up quickly- to nearly ten thousand dollars.

After the windows, I cleaned the floors, the closets, the desk… Everything, really. Then I took a well-deserved nap.

I love napping. It's a beautiful concept.

Now imagine my displeasure when I was awakened by my bookshelf falling over.

"I'm sorry, sir!" Sciezka squealed. That girl is so odd… Really. I think she was trying to climb the bookshelf to reach something at the top. For someone so smart, she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer- wouldn't it have made more sense to get a stepstool?

"What is it?" I asked resignedly.

She pushed her index fingers together as a sign of her nervousness. Quite distracting, really. "Sir, you're supposed to be good with men, right?"

I think I growled at that point. At any rate, she jumped about a foot in the air. "Get on with it," I said.

"CanyoutellmehowtogetBredaintobed?" she asked, the sentence coming out as one long word.

"_What?_" I couldn't believe it. She wanted to get Breda, of all people, to jump her? First Armstrong and Fuery, now this?!

"Can you?" she asked hopefully.

"I suggest just asking him. He doesn't have much of a social life, so the sight of a pretty girl should do plenty." Maybe I exaggerated a bit; he didn't have _any _social life.

"Thank you, sir!" she said cheerfully, she turned to leave, but tripped over a chair and simply crawled out.

I looked at the clock, then realized that I had five minutes to get my paperwork done. The stack was a _foot_ high.

I grabbed a pen and started frantically signing.

"Hey, Roy," Ed called from the doorway.

"Not now, Fullmetal. I have to get this in by noon."

"But it's 11:56."

"Which is why I need silence."

Ignoring my response, he walked over to me and grabbed my pen, breaking it and allowing the ink to spill over the pages.

"Well, _that_ was helpful," I commented dryly.

"Shut up, bastard," he replied. He clapped his hands and placed them on the inky blob of paper. Alchemical light shone briefly, showing that a transmutation had taken place, then subsided. When it did, Ed stood back and admired his handiwork.

Every single page had been signed with a slightly neater version of my usual sloppy scrawl.

"Did you just…?"

"Yep."

Throwing all caution to the wind, I stood up and kissed him. At first, his body was rigid with surprise, but he quickly melted into my arms, surprising me. He even kissed back, quite passionately, his tongue joining mine in a battle for dominance.

Of course, Riza would have to walk in at that moment. With the entire office staring behind her.

Falman whistled; Breda cheered; Armstrong nearly broke poor Sciezka's back as he hugged the nearest available person and began crying, pink sparkles dancing around his head.

"Do you mind?" I snapped. (Not literally, people.)

"Sir, your papers are due," she replied.

I handed the stack over with a sigh, not moving my other arm from Ed's shoulders, and stared at her until the door closed again.

--

**A/N:** Please review. (Please?)


	5. Chapter 5

Karasu

**A/N:** Okay, bit of a filler chapter here, but I wrote this before I wrote the last chapter, and then lost it, so now I finally found it and made a few changes and posted it! Yay! (It's so sad… I can never find anything…)

--

By now you can probably see why these living arrangements were a disaster waiting to happen. Ed and I had a well-established routine of fighting. I think we both knew that neither of us took these fights seriously, but without them we would have been extremely uncomfortable. To this day, we still enjoy our verbal sparring, though it is much tamer than it used to be.

Perhaps my favorite of these fights that occurred after we began living together took place after a week-long lull, a lull that had begun just after our first kiss.

It was an early Thursday morning. I don't wake up terribly well in the mornings, at least not without my tea, so I was stumbling through the room half-asleep. Of course, Ed's place being the dump it was, I tripped on a pile of books. And landed face-down in a pile of dirty underwear.

Ed poked his head into the room and snickered. "Sorry. I haven't gotten around to washing clothes."

I sat up, peeling a pair of boxers off my forehead. "It's not like it's hard to do. Just use alchemy to separate the dirt from the clothing. Besides, how can these be dirty? It's not like you have room for them in those pants of yours…" I trailed off, feeling awkward that I had been looking. After that first kiss, we had been too embarrassed to do anything further, so we weren't an official item or anything like that.

"You've been looking?" Ed raised an eyebrow. It's a little scary when he picks up habits of mine.

"No!" I protested, cheeks reddening slightly. What can I say? It's a curse of this pale skin- any little bit of embarrassment shows. Anyway, his eyebrow stayed up, so I revised my statement. "Maybe a little."

"Like what you see?" He was even starting to _sound_ like me. Creepy.

"You never answered my question," I responded.

"I wear them at night. Why are we having this discussion?"

"Because you haven't washed your underwear in a long time, judging by the size of this pile. You need to do that sometime in the near future."

"Maybe." He had stopped looking at me and was turning a page in his book. "Probably not."

He always was stubborn. Still is. The only difference is that now I can threaten to withhold sex if he doesn't cooperate to some extent. Back then I had to rely on revenge.

It was still somewhat daunting to walk into the office. The rumors about Ed and me had died down somewhat, though it was still widely assumed that we were an item. (I wished!) But the phone lines were no longer completely swamped by callers questioning our relationship, the key word there being _completely_. There had been a special phone number dedicated to these calls.

So I walked in with a semi-confident smirk plastered on my face, holding a large bag in my hand. I walked to the lunch room, which attracted the greatest crowds of any room in the building, and transmuted the center table into a tree without leaves. I then hung the contents of my bag all over the tree.

--

When lunch time arrived, I sprinted out of my office, leaving behind a mess of unfinished paperwork. You may be beginning to see a trend with this, but I finish all of it. Or most of it, anyway. Riza is always shooting at me for not finishing completely, but I can proudly say that I finish over ninety percent of my paperwork.

Anyway, I arrived in the lunch room before anyone else, grabbed a cup of the ridiculously acidic coffee that the military issues, and settled back to watch the show. I was looking forward to seeing Ed's face as soon as he walked in the room and saw my creation.

I got to see as he took it all in. His face drained of color, then immediately turned red. His fists clenched. I could practically see the steam coming out his ears as he took in my masterpiece.

It was a large tree, only in place of leaves it had pairs of Ed's dirty underwear. Below it I had transmuted a sign saying _I told you to wash your underwear, Fullmetal._

His revenge would most likely be painful and humiliating, but it was _so_ worth it.

--

**A/N:** A bit short, I know. But please review!!


End file.
